Sacrament of marriage must include God, couple says

Andrew and Terri Lyke of Chicago discuss relationship tips for strengthening married life during “Black Marriage Day” on April 5 at St. Michael the Archangel Parish in Indianapolis. The marriage program was sponsored by the archdiocesan Office of Family Ministries, archdiocesan Office of Multicultural Ministry and Black Catholic Caucus in the archdiocese. (Photo by Mary Ann Wyand)

By Mary Ann Wyand

Marriage parallels the Paschal Mystery, Andrew and Terri Lyke reminded engaged and married couples during the “Black Marriage Day” program on April 5 at St. Michael the Archangel Parish in Indianapolis.

Andrew Lyke is the coordinator of marriage ministry for the Archdiocese of Chicago and co-director of Lyke to Lyke Consultants with his wife. They are nationally known for their marriage enrichment programs and articles.

In many ways, Andrew Lyke explained, marriage parallels the suffering and dying and rising of Jesus.

“When you think about marriage, sometimes the heaviest cross we carry is each other,” he said. “There are times when we have to sacrifice—not just minor things but major things—for the sake of the other. What we’re called to do, particularly as Christians, is to be faithful to that, to carry that cross … rising to a new self.”

He said Sacred Heart Sister Kathleen Hughes of Chicago noted that, “For every loving, there is a dying.”

In marriage, “we die to ourselves for the sake of our beloved,” he explained. “The love that is probably the most transformative and miracle-making is the love that is the hardest to give. It’s the love when the beloved is least lovable.”

During challenging times, the Lykes said, couples need to think about why they fell in love with each other and remember their marriage vows of “for better or worse” as the promise they made to God and each other in the presence of their family members and friends.

That’s when God has his way in shaping people’s lives, Andrew Lyke said, and couples become who they need to be for the sake of their marriage.

“This relationship called marriage is a holy way of living,” he said, and a life-long opportunity to grow closer to God with your spouse.

“What God has in store for you is beyond your imagination,” he said. “You don’t know who you will become as a result of this journey, this adventure, of marriage.”

But with the joys of married life come pain and sorrow at times, the Lykes said, because that is the nature of life.

“The statement [by Holy Cross Father Patrick Peyton] that ‘the couple [family] that prays together stays together’ really holds true,” Terri Lyke said. “We need God.”

Marital problems will “work out a lot easier with prayer,” she said. “Couples have to pray through all of that. … One of the best communication techniques is when you pray as a couple.”

When couples grow closer to God, Andrew Lyke said, they also grow closer to each other and in the process create a stronger love which holds them together and helps them become “light to the community.”

If you haven’t already done so, the Lykes told the couples, invite God into your marriage and focus on recognizing God’s presence in daily life situations.

“God is with us in all that we do,” he said. “Recognizing the ways that God is with us—even in the simple rituals, the things that you do to express love—are examples of God working in you.”

The Lykes recommend four ways to strengthen marriage, a process they call “PEPP.” They emphasize that “primacy, empowerment, protection and prayer” are life-long tasks for all married couples.

• Primacy—“Couples need assurances that their marriage is the primary relationship, above friends, extended family and even children.”
• Empowerment—“Couples need the necessary skills to build intimacy and develop the confidence that they are in a good and right situation, and that it can last.”
• Protection—“Couples need support systems to use as armor to shield them from the negative influences of the world.”
• Prayer—“Couples need to develop and nurture a shared spirituality, and have an awareness of God working in and through their marriage for the betterment of their relationship, their family, community and society.”

The Lykes teach couples about relationship skills that can help them communicate better, resolve conflicts and solve problems in married life, including issues caused by unique family of origin behavior patterns that can adversely affect marriage and parenting.

Parents need to remember that children are the product of the married couple’s love, not the source, they said, and the saying is true that the greatest gift which parents can give their children is a happy marriage.

“Our children certainly, in most times, are a higher priority than our marriage because they’re our responsibility,” he said. “We’re here to raise them, to teach them and to guide them. But our highest value, our highest earthly value, really needs to be centered in the marriage.”

In daily life, Terri Lyke said, “our kids are watching us all the time, and they need to see the ups and downs of relationships. If they see you fight, they need to see you make up. They need to see the whole picture.”

Write a mission statement for your marriage, they advised the couples, and display it in your home then read it together often.

“Marriage is a life-long decision that you are going to make or have made,” Terri Lyke said, “and the one that you are least prepared for. But you have each other. … Think about your sacrament and what it means. … God is there.” †